In a blink of an eye, Saif is going 20 month soon. Time reallt fly. I thought of going back to work when he turned one but idk why this heavy burden feeling if i had to leave him… is like for the past 1 year, i jaga him almost 24/7 and i wont be able to do so if i go back to work. I would be lying if i say i dont miss working life, meeting new people and work on deadline, having your own money to spend etc. A few ppl asked if i ever will return to work… i wonder that too but at same time, i dont want anyone else to takecare of my bby. My mum offered and im grateful for that, i really am. Perhaps for now, i want to raise and care my baby my own way. I wanna be there witnessing his milestones and i wanna personally didik him. Because i remember, back then when i was still single, i prayed and dreamed of having a baby one day and unconditionally love and care for him. Alhamdulilah, Allah answered my prayer with baby Saif and im willing to sacrifice my career to care for him. && im super grateful that my husband is supportive of this and alhamdulilah that we are financially stable even though he is working hard alone. Alhamdulilah, thank you Allah for the beautiful gift❤️

 Post natal baby blues is real. I didnt expect myself to be super emotional for the first month. The thought that i could barely walk and sit properly, let alone care for my bby is depressing. Every little mistakes i blame myself for getting stitched up. Its like…. If only i was stronger, i wouldnt need the stitched up. If only i can endure the pain, i wouldnt need the OT! It was really painful for me as the pain killer given was only for one week. The first day at mama’s home… i peed on the bedsheet….😭 tak tau kenapa on that night i always wanted to go toilet and i need K’s assistance to do so. I dah kejut dia 3 kali seh (from 2am, 3am, 4am) then when i had the urge to go again, i tried to tahan till yknw subuh… but hmm tak boleh and somehow it just… keluar? Then i was like since dah keluar, keluarkan je ah! Hahaha ya Allah! Started the post natal massage and it was goood! The makcik keluarkan all my darah beku and bila dia urut badan best seh! However on the third day, baby S was asked to go KKH bcause of his juandice count is slightly above the normal limit. Can you imagine masih dlm pantang, struggling to walk… i kuatkan diri to go KKH to see him. Fourth day he was still there and went to KKH with K by grab. I swear it was painful where i walk it was near my anus and i thought bila dah gunakan the perineal pad it got better but it didnt. In the end, dah sampai rumah asked K to see the wound, takut nanah or what! Omggg and he asked to letak minyak gamat jadi cepat kering????? No wayyyyy! But sis takde pilihan he forced me eh sampai nangis nangis dalam bilik air. 

When Baby S balik on fri, i couldnt jaga him much as myself was still in a lot of pain sampai nak duduk pakai boya eh! Hahahaah! So at night, it was K who wake up and care for baby while i kasi susu je. We were still trying to figure out his pattern and habit and it keeps changing jst as we thought we knew it.

The challenge is when K went back to office the second week. Bcause we thought mcm save the another 5 days of paternity leave bila dah balik rumah ah.. super blessed that my family help me alot especially adik! Alhamdulilah, and my in laws too! Ohh and on wednesday, my stool softener dah abis so when i had to buang air besar… ya Allah ya rabb! Hanya Allah je yg tahu keperitannya! Nak tahan tak boleh, nak keluarkan pun tak boleh. Nangis duduk bilik air 1 jam seh! To add on, i was on iron table which makes the stool harden eh. On that day, i decided not to eat bcause yknw takut nak yakyak lagi.. 

 Okay i really thought that after given birth, that was it. I didnt prepare myself for any tear and stitches. According to my gynae, since baby is big (?) and his heart rate drop, she had to cut my perineum bcause i wasnt fully dilated. since i didnt take any epidural and the side affect of laughing gas is lambat (supposed to only use it when there is contraction but i used it on the go), i could feel my gynae tgh jahit eh. Its super painful and i kept fidgeting. She had to call someone just to hold my knee and i swear every stitches i felt like kicking my gynae! Sakit dia nauzubillah, and i guess i had no more strength left. Cried like crazyyy bcause i couldnt take it anymore and then my gynae gave us option to do this in the OT under anaesthesia. At first i feeel mcm hmmm ni extra cost eh but when fikir how painful nak jahit tuh, i told K i want to opt for that. 

Lepas tuh, all the way i was high from the laughing gas literally. When people talk to me, i know what to respond but mcm mamai gitu. First time in my 28 years of life i was pushed into OT (selalu tgk cita gray’s anatomy je). Walaupun tgh high, i can hear the doctors and nurses counted th no of gauze, then say their name and what operation they doing. So cooool! Lepas they inject the anaesthesia, i didnt feel anything bottom down and since i was high, i jst sleeep. But at times, my legs wanted to move but cannot. Felt a bit scary when i started to shiver and could not control it but doctor said is side effect of the anaesthesia and is normal. Still, rasa tak selesa eh. Everything ended about 2.45am? All i wanted at that point was to be with K and baby but they had to put me in the recovery room to monitor if im okay after that. I swear i felt rimas that i couldnt move my leg but now to think about it, rather now feel the after effect of the stitches! About 45mins later finally they pushed me to my ward and met K! Ya Allah, feel so relieved finally get to see K!! & kinda sad cant see the baby now so try to sleep at 4.45am! The nurse masukkan baby at 6am and thats the first time i see him. MasyaAllah, the pain i felt was worth while. Thank you Allah for giving us this bundle of joy. We were still contemplating with his name at this point as we couldnt decide between the two names. & ohh the breakfast is very early eh for me ard 7plus!

As i was still very weak, couldnt breastfeed him and we gotta knw that he didnt drink much eh like less than 20ml. So they try again and still minum sikit so no choice had to sent him to special nursery instead as they have better equipment there. And they wanted to do blood test ya Allah! So sad and worried sick eh tak sampai 3 jam tgk dia but he had to go down aldy. K asked me to stay positive and doa. As for me, i need to pee by 10am? If not i have to wear catheter eh. Of course after all those things that happened, kinda scare to take my first pee and i dont even have the urge to pee thats the thing! I drank like 2 flask of water seh tapi tak rasa nak pee. So… they pasang catheter ya Allah i feel useless at that time. Simple thing also cannot do and bila dia nak masukkan luckily tak sakit sgt jst a little uncomfortable. And dengan sekejapan, the urine bag dah more than half. Alhamdulilah! After lunch they asked me to go mandi and when i tried to bangun dari katil (needed the help from the nurse to do so), it was a struggle. Felt a little dizzy and when i reached the toilet, i blanked out and told the nurse i really feel dizzy so they had to wheelchair me back to bed and asked me to rest bcause i lost alot of blood. So the whole day was jst me resting on bed while K go down the nursery to see the progress of our baby and take photos. Blood test result came and all is okay (alhamdulilah)! He drank better afterr that! 

The next day (monday) doctor wanted to take off my catheter at 10am and i need to pee 2 kali if i want to go home today. Again minum air byk byk and i feel so much better that i can walk so we go down the nursery. Ya aallah!! I cried like crayy seeing my bby somehow i was so emotional that point. Didnt want to see him bcause setiap kali tgk, akan nangis. Went back up for lunch and after discussion we confirmed his name: Saif Qushairy. At 3pm, i felt the urge to pee for the first time (yay). Called the nurse and alhamdulilah no dizziness etc and at 3.45pm, felt the urge to pee again so yayyyy can go back aldy but baby cannot balik yet bcause they want to observe him overnight. Struggling to walk but im glad i can go home..

 Its been 5 days since the birth of my son, masyaAllah! It feels surreal. As im typing this, im sitting down by the bed, wearing kain batik with pilis on my forehead and kept turning to my son who is fast asleep. Ya Allah, im blessed to be able to experience this feeling. 

Since im dalam pantang for 40 days, insyaAllah i will be sharing my labour story here to keep as a memory down the road. 

My due date is on 24th July (this sunday) and i heard that the first child would always be either few days early on late but during raya haji, my relatives and family members told me that it will be very soon. As i have appt with my gynae on 18th, they said that high chance it would be before that. I was like hmmm maybe on that week but doubt it will be during the raya haji week. Oh, me and K were already staying at my mom's a day before raya haji bcause i can hardly cook and do house chores and takut bersalin early. 

On 12th July, around mahgrib, i started feeling cramps and i thought ohh is normal, is not contraction. The cramp was on and off for like few hours and it was bearable. As days passed, it started to feel frequent though it took about 4-5hours from one cramp to another. Told K about it and he said it might be contraction. Then i started to google and it was actually an early sign of labour. Bought the yoga ball to practise some breathing and exercise to ease labour. 

On Saturday, right after mahgrib, i felt this intense cramp like really mcm rabak menses cramp. Luckily K just reached home from JB and after he solat, i told him that i feel very strong intense cramps and the interval is quite near to each other. Again i wasnt sure if i was in labour so i texted my cousin. She confirmed it and told me to call her if i wanted to go KK. I was like huh serious am i really in labour? ya Allah! Since the contraction (at that point) was bearble, sempat sis makan burger from wood fire (K bought it from JB). Sempat mandi and change and for the past 1.5hrs, my contraction was between 3-5 mins apart which means i have to make my way to hospital (no water break like in the movie) Called my cousin and once she reached, i was already feeling stronger contraction. Otw to kk, i couldnt focus on anything but jst breath in and out and hold K's hand. 

Sampai hospital, took wheelchair and for once we didnt knw where to go but figure out should be Delivery Suite. By then, i think my contraction is super strong. They put me in observation room and see how many cm dilated i was (literally masukkan finger eh) i was aldy 5cm dilate. And then pushed me to delivery suite together with K. At that point, i jst wanted to squeeze his hand. The nyrse asked if i wanted epidural and at that point somehow with His Grace, i felt that i can still tahan and i mmg bilang K i didnt want epidural. But… Every min of contraction felt a little stronger than before and my water breaks when i was 6-7cm? Its like gushing of water coming out uncontrobly. Ni i cannot tahan so decided to use laughing gas (supposed to use it when i felt contraction je but i used it all the way). Now there is no turning point to take epidural so had to jst use the laughing gas. By 7cm, told the nurse i aldy feel like pooping and pushing. With the energy i have, tried to push but mcm susah (feel like constipated eh). Tried my very best to listen to my gyane and held K’s hand tightly before pushing and alhamdulilah at 1.22am, our baby boy has arrived. Masyaaallah.. 

Okay will continue more on next post

 Assalamualaikum,

wow been ages since i posted here. Bcause sis busy with Ramadhan, Raya and so on.  Will update on my Ramadhan and Syawal this year on the next post. This post will be the day i know my baby gender. Well, we were supposed to go for a checkup in week 19 but 3 days before, i suddenly cough, flu etc and got to know i kena COVID! Asked K to take the test and yearp, he kena also! Didnt knw what to do so after dinner, we decided to go GP and check. Well, its $10 and i had to do both ART and PCR. Kinda worry abt our bby but alhamdulilah so far dia okay. Since both of us kena, we were just sitting at home and alhamdulilah so blessed to receive a lot of groceries and food from the loved ones. Actually my barang dapur dah nak abis and so glad that we received it. & so, we had to postpone the checkpoint (both of us were looking forward to this) but alhamdulilah we managed to get a slot the following week, on thursday. Since, im at week 20, they had to do thorough check up on the baby growth so it was my first time seeing a very detailed scan. Imagine can see the baby's fingers, toes, heart, brain and even spine. This is to check for any abnormalities. After about 20-30mins, the sonagrapher asked if i want to knw the baby's gender and i said yes. She called K outside 3 times buthe was nowhere to be found!! Then, a guy came in and when she checked his name, IT WASNT MY HUSBAND!! Ish! mana dia merayap. She then called my husband's name again and finally adaaaaa! Hahahah apparently he was wearing earbuds lerh. So... when she did the scan, i think its quite obvious and i can see my bby's private part. heheh, im super happy, alhamdulilah! (K secretly wanted a girl). & baby is safe and healthy, Alhamdulilah ya Allah!

Next day, went to KK again to meet my gynae and she explained that baby is growing normally (they have this range of data as an indicator). Told our family and i think most of them thought that i will be getting a girl because of the morning sickness and the sweet cravings etc, but i guess not this time, hahahah! 

Thank you Allah for making my second trimester so much better than the first one, no more morning sickness, headache, nauseous etc.