I was reflecting on myself. Like whyyyy is my love life mess up? Why do i have so much insecurities? How do i learn to love again?

If i didnt have to go through what i went through, will i be able to love whole heartedly? But why am i blaming my first love? It was my choice to love him. It was my decision to not listen to others and ikutkan sangat perasaan ni. I realised that after i broke up with my first love( meroyan rabak), i was lost. I was finding for someone that can accept me seadanya. I wanted someone who can protect me when i got beaten up or when others are against me. I wish i have that someone who actually find me beautiful inside out. I lost my confidence and my self esteem is rock bottom.

In the process of healing,  i thought one of the way is to get to know other guys, like talk to them and all. Somehow, along the way, i started to like the attention coming from guys. I find myself getting that confidence back when guys DM me and ask for my number. I like the attention i got when i walked outside where random guys came to me to ask for my number and want to kenal kenal with me. Like even when i was in school uniform, ada jugak lelaki yg mintak no. It jst boost my confidence though i never ever gave anyone of them my number. I jst rejected them politely. When in socmed, i layan the guys DM and chats. Kadang mcm talk to 3-4 guys at same time. In my head, i was like alah bubal je bukan nya nak matey. At that stage, i thought this can heal me. And i dated alot of guys, mcm mcm perangai all. Ada cina, ada india, ada budak masjid, ada matrep all. But pada i semua sama je, lelaki perangai all tak serious je. So why i want be serious with them kan?

But bila dah masuk poly, i started to get tired of all these. I realised this doesnt heal me at all. So i started to date only when i like him. And thats when i got together with my ex because of kesian. Like yknw he was very good and nice to me and he likes me. So i was thinking, lebih baik matey with someone yg sayang kita lebih dari kita sayang dia kan? So i accepted him walaupun tak suka sbb i thought along the way, i can learn to love and accept him. After 1.5years with him, i knw that deep down, my heart is not with him and i knw i have to try harder and fall again and again for him. Come to 2 years, i couldnt. I let go of the r/s. And again, along the way, i choose which guy i want to talk and dated.

When dah masuk uni, and started to don the hijab, i changed. I tell myself that hey, lets not be hasty and choose properly who i wanted to date. So i rejected and ghosted alot. Some i mcm menyesal buat gytu bcause there are very naice guyss. And the first guy i dated when i pakai tudung is Amad. Bcause he is so my type (at that point i jst realised i have a type). So we went out and everything was great but he ditched me and went to his ex crush bcause according to him, im too good? Hahahaha okayyyluhhh i feel that its okay if you want to leave but dont have to cheat on me what?? I feel like shit ah. Along the way, met alot of diff type of guys. I was attracted to Danial. At that point both of us in uni and we have a lot in common but me being me, i went MIA when a guy wanted to meet. Lepas tuh we lost contact sighhh perangai kan!! Then, i moved on, made friends with others, heartbreaks here and there until i meet Syazwan. At that point, i was talking to Sufi and Syazwan. I didnt knw which to choose and i was honest to both of them saying that im contacting another party and in the end i choose Syazwan. Bcause he can relate and we have a lot in common. Again, coming to 2 years, it just didnt work out. Things get sour and i ended up the r/s. Well, it was bad for both of us bcause we have a lot of common friends.

After Syazwan i took a break and make friend with Azizi. Well, we were friends fr 7 months and along the way, he told me he sayang me. HAHAHA! I guess my actions sometimes is that im too friendly and my lenggok bahasa kekadang mcm manja. And i layankan so kekadang lelaki salah tafsir.. now that Azizi aldy meet someone new, hahah, oh wells. Im thankful that i ddint reciprocrate.

I guess now, im jst going to make myself busy and focus on myself? Betterment and upgrading, finding my strength and potential. But at same time, i do feel lonely. Maybe because all these while, i have someone  all along. Meaning like, ada je lelaki dalam hidup. Now takde so mcm it gets lonelier padahal in reality okay jeeeee! But this time round, i want be serious and choose wisely..

Bismillah.

I dont understand guys that uses religion to get girls. Like really? 'I love you for the sake of Allah'. Do you even know what it means?

Basically i made friend with this guy and we have been friend since dec. All was good until one day he told me he aldy fall for me. And again, like usual i wont reject a guy if i dont knw him well. So i told him, im not ready for anything and that i need time to knw him. Also because im scared to go for it. He said okay, he can wait blablabla (guyss and their words 🙄). Then, somehow in July, we had an arguement. And i said something like go away. He said okay and i said goodbye. I mean at that point i was annoyed and i didnt expect him to really do it. So i waited fr his text... days after days he didnt text me back. And i didnt knw why i didnt text him back. Its jst not me. I always give in and text him first but this time round, i just didnt...

Fast foward to last sunday. I remembered he told me that his brother is getting married this Aug and last sunday he IG story it. Guess what? He took photo with this lady wearing the same colour together and look so happy with caption, duakan kita. Hahahaha is this even a joke? Seriously bruuuhhh, just stopppp. Im jst saddddd he uses religion saying when he thinks of me, he thinks of Allah. When he is with me, he always feel calm and etc. Not even one month, and you aldy found my replacement? Ohh wait, maybe im jst one of your option? Imagine if i were to really fall for him? Imagine if i already love him so deep? What were you thinking back then when you said all that? Do you even sayang me at the first place? Such is life. Masih ada org buat mcm gini.

Im just surprised and disappointed by this. He was indeed a great listener, But this is life. Everyone will hurt you. Dont depend on anyone. And with that, i wonder, if anyone will ever find me attractive. If anyone will ever find me enough for them? ....