// Strawberry Cupcake

Siapa I sebenarnya?

23 January 2020 | Thursday, January 23, 2020 | 0 comments

Skrg dah pkol 2.45am and i have a video recording at 11am later. I cant sleeep though had a long day. Here i am deciding to do some blogging. Was doing some reflection abt myself. Setiap orang will react differently di persekitaran yang berbeza. Di rumah, kita menjadi anak kepada ibu bapa kita. I kongsi my masalah with my mum tapi at the same time i ada byk tanggungjawab sbb i anak pertama. Dekat kerja, i adalah pekerja kepada majikan i, i akan automatic tukar menjadi seorang yg berdedikasi. Di uni, i seorang pelajar, maknanya, i kena belajar bertungkus lumus untuk lulus exam. Also, i was the VP of MCMS. Ini bererti, i harus memimpin, automatically, i kena sedia menerima segala kesalahan dan berfikir dengan cepat. Begitulah cara kita adapt di setiap persekitaran yang berlainan. Tapi, adakah semua itu diri kita sendiri? Ataupun, itu hanya satu lakonan? Atau mungkin kita terpaksa bertukar mengikut persekitaran?

I pun tgh fikir skrg ni, siapa diri i sebenarnya?

1. I ni seorang yang akan pentingkan org lain daripada diri sendiri. Ini adalah sesuatu yg mmg dari dulu i tak perasan i mcm ni until my kawan bilang. I kena belajar self care dan tak boleh harapkan org lain utk terus ingatkan utk jaga diri. Mmg dari dulu lagi, i akan utamakn org di sekeliling. Contoh, org nak pinjam charger bila i tgh gunkan.. Tanya berapa percent my phone, i jawab 45%, tapi i akan selalu kasi drg pakai dulu lepas tuh baru i pakai.

2. I lebih selesa berbual dan tulis dengan bahasa melayu. Actually dari pri school, i realised i suka bahasa melayu. Pri school dah antar karangan dekat BH. Time PSLE result pun tak bagus byk C dan D kecuali melayu, A*. Sec school O lvl pun, semua B3 except melayu A1 and humanities A2. I suka dgr lagu melayu, baju novel melayu. Sebab i tak pandai luahkan perasaan i melalui kata kata, jadi bila tulis tuh mcm dah luahkan gytu. And, i mmg impikan satu hari i jadi penulis novel. Hehe! Ada pun i dah tulis manuskrip 250 pages but i need at least 350 pages utk i send dekat publisher. Tapi, bila dah masuk Uni and bekerja, kawan di sekeliling lebih selesa ckp Inggeris jadi i kena adapt.

3. I ni org yg sensetif? Sbb i akan fahami dan selami apa yg org rasa. Contoh kalau org tgh ceritakan tentang masalahnya, i akan cepat tersentuh. Even kalau baca novel, i akan nangis sendiri, ketawa sendiri sbb i mcm tgh selami perasaan watak tertentu. Sama jugak dengan org yg bilang i masalah mereka.i akan cepat kesiankan/nangis lalu cuba utk tolong mereka.

4. I realise i ni friendly sangat. I think dari pri school. I akan be with the gang atau kawan yg popular, like the girls clique yg yknw be the centre of attraction from the rest. Sec school? Jangan ckp. Bila lower sec, akak-akak upper sec dah tak suka kita, ada yg carik pasal, ada yg spread rumor, mcm mcmluh. Poly pun sama! Walaupun my clique is cina and india, kita is the so call go to clique, yg lecturer kenal and ingat nama kita, yg lecturer percaya to do work all. Even till uni, lecturer will remember my name.

5. Kata-kata org selalu beri kesan dekat hidup i. I terlalu memikirkan kata-kata yang dilemparkan. Contoh, in sec school, org ckp i muka mayat, muka puki dan org ckp i tak lawa, sbb tuh ex lari pergi dekat pompan lain. Perampas, sundal etc. Sumpah, sampai skrg i tak pernah rasa diri i ni lawa. Allahu, i sangat bersyukur dengan apa yang Dia dah berikan cuma kata-kata dari manusia buat i terkesan sgt. Sebab tuh dulu i suka dptkan attention lelaki. Bila i jalan, lelaki mintak no, i tak bagi tapi i suka sebab i dpt the attention. Bila dekat socmed pun sama. Sbb deep down, i dah terkesan dengan kata org yg ckp i ni tak lawa.

Sampai sini je utk kali ni. I kena tidur sebb dah pkol 3.30am😭

end of 2019

01 January 2020 | Wednesday, January 01, 2020 | 0 comments

So... its already 1st Jan 2020. This means that im already 27 years old. OMGGGG!! Macam hari tuh je baru ambik N lvl result. Well, my 2019 has been a year full of emotions, roller coaster- up & down.

Let me start with family. Well, family have been great. My cousins got married (both dad and mum side). But during raya, dad got admitted to hospital due to his swollen eyes, so my raya in 2019, we only went to nenek house on first day raya. The rest of the days, went to hospital at sit at home. But alhamdulilah, alot of relatives visited our house. And managed to jalan raya with my friends from different clique: bestf, masjid friends, uni friends, exco and work. Alhamdulilah alhamdulilah, he recovered from it. Also, in 2019, my parents started to ask if im meeting someone or if i aldy have someone special. well, i did. I mean, i have known him fr 7 months and all is well. But things jst didnt work out for both of us. Maybe because of me? We had an arguement and... i asked him to stop texting me... guess what? He really did. I was so sad manzx. And i waited ard 2 months to drop him at his IG... only to find out that he is also waiting fr my text. But again, we both didnt text each other and by that time, we both aldy seeing someone else. Honestly, i cant with the new guy.

I mean he is great, stable career, good family, tall and all but i jst cant seems to find thec hemistry with him. We met more than 3 times and really, i mean i can talk and all but i dont feel it. Get it tak? He is really a nice guy manzx but dont think we suits each other. So we walked away. Thats the thing abt me, if i have constantly talk to you everyday fr 1month plus, i become emotionally attached with someone. Though i dont really have any feelings for him, kinda sad tht it didnt turn out. But issaokay i guess?

And i realised, i have always turn guys now. I mean, i didnt give them a chance to meet and talk and get to know me. Or maybe i did but maybe jst something abt them that i dont feel quite alright? Maybe in 2020, its time to be less picky? But i feel its okay to slowly choose your life partner, takkan nak jst ambik anyone kan? I really tak cerewet sgt seh. But now i realised, its impt to have that chemistry, like how i had with the guy, A. And ohh, i try muzmatch too. Not bad actually. Hahaha! So in 2020, i will try to open and talk to guys if they say they interested and if i like someone, go for ir. Maybe.. jst maybe its time for me to confess instead of jst giving hints to them? I dont knw. We shall see.

Okay, what abt friends? Im thankful that no matter how many friends or companion i have made, it will still be my bestfs that i turn to when im sad or when i need support. I knw that i can count on them (and that does mot mean i cant count on my other friends). Jst that im more comfortable sharing my problems with my bestfs compare to my other friends. All in all, im thankful and grateful for every friendship made in 2019.

Also, this 2019, its been 1 years im working with Ustazah. Sucha blessed, alot of opportunities. But also, while working with her, i lost a few of my friends, being call names and all. But is okay. I think such is life. You gain something, you lose abit. But i have been feeling a slight burnt out. Is like i love my job, i love what im doing volunteering and all, but i think i dah tua, dah feel burnt out eh. Maybe in 2020, more self care and me time! InsyaAllah.

Siapa I sebenarnya?

23 January 2020 | Thursday, January 23, 2020 | 0 Sweet Cupcake

I pun tgh fikir skrg ni, siapa diri i sebenarnya?

Sampai sini je utk kali ni. I kena tidur sebb dah pkol 3.30am😭

end of 2019

01 January 2020 | Wednesday, January 01, 2020 | 0 Sweet Cupcake

So... its already 1st Jan 2020. This means that im already 27 years old. OMGGGG!! Macam hari tuh je baru ambik N lvl result. Well, my 2019 has been a year full of emotions, roller coaster- up & down.

The past