Its already the 3rd day of Ramadhan.... alhamdulilah, so far so good. All is good.

2.03am and i have yet to sleep. Tetiba rindukan S. Actually sampai sekarang masih tak percaya that im his girlfriend? Well, we actually dont want the title/status but everyone been asking us on our status. So might as well kan... heheh!

But yearp, just 1 year ago, i was heartbroken, feeling the heartache and pain from being dumped and cheated by a guy. Just a year ago, i was crying at night, asking why was i treated like this. Like why me... Then, there was a point that i hated guys so much so that when my girls dated someone, i felt that the guy would end up leaving them. Every other guy that came into my life after that, i had to pushed them away. I was scared that i wont be able to love again. Serious. Bcause i really really thought that Z was the one for me. He was indeed a good guy, good in agama and akhlak. But i guess, we are just not meant to be.
S has always been in my life since 2015. Like i know his existence in school but i have never met him until Fitwah nya camp in Late november 2015. He started to be my PA. We didnt really talk much but he always commented on my fb/ig. Then, i see him often, in school and in mosque events. Mid last year when i started to be active in myf, we see each other more often. We share the same circle of friends, we have same interest and passion and i dont know why, during that period, i can feel the connection between us. Like i can relate everything to him and that i can trust him. Hence, i always go to him for advices and problems, be it school exco problems, masjid problems or others. We were faci partner for last year fbc and he gave me the strength and remind me to be strong when i nearly cried, thinking about Z.

We became closer and closer by end of last year, like exchanging stories and text till 3am in the morning. I was already so comfortable with him. But i never thought that he would have feelings for me. Like i know during that point, he have feelings for N (which happen to be a friend of mine). And my girls were saying that he confirm like me but i choose to ignore their speculations bcause i know, S is generally friendly and talkative to everyone. Thats his character.  Whenever we text each other, somehow, just somehow i feel that he was trying to hint me something but i choose to ignore it again.

Then there was a point that i merajuk with him bcause he didnt reply me and i thought he was angry at me. But when i asked him why, he confessed that he has feelings for me? Hahahaha! Since then, we get to know each other more, about ourselves, our feelings and more and the amazing support from our friends is just wow. They were so encouraging and in favour of our r/s though they always kacau me. Like whenever i meet them, they always without fail akan kacau me, mcm mcm benda dorang ckp. But they are so sweet. Really, they care about me and my feelings. So bless to have known them.

To S,
Awak, i really dont know what you see in me or what so special about me in your eyes. Im really blessed to have you in my life, to go through this roller coaster journey of ups and downs. You always motivate me to be better when i feel that i cant do things. You always change my perspectives and make me look at different angle (always a positive one). The energy and passion you have inspire me to be better and push myself to help others more. Your presence makes me feel secure and calm. Your love makes me crave fr more. Yes, i have trust issues. Till now, im learning to trust you when it comes to love. Im slowly trying to convince myself that your love is genuine and you are serious. Is all in the mind. My apology if sometimes i get emotional or i show my attitude to you. Im sorry if i ever make you sad or worried. I really we can go far because i see my future in you. Lets pray for the best... love you, S 😘

Okay nak post pasal my camp stories. Before exam, Adzan asked me to make myself free on 22nd-24th May for wan tanjong sec1-2 camps. Coincidentally, my tutee, Aminah is going for that camp too. So we both were looking forward to go for the camp, and she hopes i will be her faci. But too bad, i was the assistant in charge, supporting Q. They knew i didnt really like to be faci alhamdulilah. Heheh! So after my last paper (CMC was kinda tricky. Managed to answer 3 of 4 questions. The 1 question yang tak tau, i really dont know but i scribbled nonsense. Jst hope fr a pass pls).
The day before camp, one of the faci backed out. Nasib ada back up faci. I woke up at 6.45am and siap siap all keluar 7.17am. Took 30 mins to get a grab bcause it was raining heavily. Supposed to reached ard 8am but i reached 8.17am. Fikir i lambat but i was the first to reach. Saw Ustaz Zahid and few minutes later, Hyrol came. For the first time i said, first time i gave a briefinh to the pax. And i guess i did pretty okay with it? Like usually i only brief my excos or my masjid coms ah. Bused lambat so we played few games to kill the time. 9.15am gerak to Al Amin mosque. It was my first time going to that mosque. Masjid lama and tak ramai org. Heeh! Bila the pax dah go into groups, Q asked me to takeover a girl faci nya tempat since dia tak dtg. So... ended up kena jadi faci jugak. Hahaha! I got group 2, partner with Arif. Had to come up with group name so ours is Ramadhan warriors. Hhhaha! Dah main ice breaking games, they went for short talk with Ustaz Zahid while some of the faci were getting ready for amazing race. We became the Station master pulak. I got the easiest station, main charades. Yaaaay!! From there, got close with Farah (she is my friend's cousin and going to Suss this aug). New friend made! Then we quickly prepared to serve lunch before going to our respective station. Heard that the journey from one station to another was quite far. Kena naik tangga all. Fuhhh nasib saya SM! After amazing race, they went for another inspirational talk while we went to solat zuhur. Farah asked me to be imam. Okayluh zohur still okay so go je. Joined back with the rest after that. Funney convo. The speaker thought i was Q's wife seh. Hahahahah! Then they do their asr afterwhich play archery tag. Wahhhh semangat seh the boys. The girls malu malu but some very onzxx. They were given break till after mahgrib. So during that time, rest and chitchat session with Zhaf and Farah. Hahahahaha Zhaf forever disturbing me with S. After dinner and isyak, ada some lyric session with Bakti and his dad. Hahahaha Qayyum sang!!! So cuteee seh! Had debrief and lights off at 11.45pm. The facis had our debrief first and ard 12.30am baru naik to mandi but si Zhaf dah mandi. & guess what? I termasuk toilet lelaki seh!! Nasib baik takde org nampak!! Heheh! The girls wanted to on the aircon so i texted in the group to ask mana the controller. Ustaz replied ckp dekat bawah and when i said i going down to take, he replied saying S will come and save my life. Apajeee!! So... i went out of the room with my wet hair, wrapped in small towel when i saw S dekat atas talking to Dhania. I was like ohh shit!! Dia naik atas tak kasi signal seh!! Me and few of the girls tak pakai tudung. Hahhahaah rabak! Slept early because penat but tak boleh tidur gytu. Ard 3.45am bangun fr qiyam and subuh. Tertidur bila imam baca doa lepas solat. Ooppzzz! Zhaf & Farah lagi rabak tidur bila tengah tadarus. Hahahahaha! Lepas tuh, both of them continue to sleep for another 25mins (tak mandi) but my group kena siapkan breakfast. The makcik siapkan the food and drinks lambat sampai semua dah turun pun masih belum siap. Ended up the makanan served tak cukup so me and Arif tak makan sbb dah lambat.
Our first pitstop was marina barrage belajar pasal eco green thingy. Kaulah was very clingy with me. She want to pimpim my tangan and walked with me. Hahahaha! And perangai dia sebiji macam S (think ni girl version of him). She can talk and talk and talk all the way and bubal nonsense lain, kasi me pickup lines lain. Hahahaha cute ah she. Secone pitstop we went to National museum. Took quite a few photos around. I actually wanted to take a photo with S but hahahaah nanti org kacau. And believe it or not, both of us were very professional. We didnt even talk or walk or eat together or whatever you cn think off. Even jalan passed each other pun buat bodoh je. Heheh! But the urge to talk to him is strong. Tahan je! Heeh! Third stop was Al-Falah... and bila my group dah nak sampai, i saw S talking to someone. Then he told me after the camp that, that was his friend. His friend was saying something and then went to the office and told the rest of the staff that i was there. HAHAHAHAAHH! Popular jugak saya ni eh. But i was kinda buruk bcause camp what. After lunch, ada 20 mins so Zhaf ajak naik atas and we took a good 15 mins nap. Bila dah syioookk tidur si S sardine masuk je. In my sleep i could heae his voice terus cepat cepat bangun. Hahahah! Zhaf halau him so that we can sleep back. It was a good nap bcause i was really really sleepy. Nak tidur dalam bus seh actually but Kaulah kept talking to me non stop. Macam macam dia cerita dekat saye so layankan je walaupun mata ni dah berat sekali. & i finally found that al falah ada lift. First time turun the lift seh. So coool! Jakun sikit🤣

After zohur, walked to redbox to hear some talk before heading to Pusara aman. Wahhh part ni i aldy tell myself dont cry but guess what? I cried. Tak boleh ah. Teringatkan my arwah atok... ard 5plus, bused back to masjid. By that time, all were aldy shagged. Free time till after mahgrib. The facis jemaah together and Dhania jadi imam. Alhamdulilah. Live that feeling. And Zhaf and i shared the same birthday. Interesting. Heheh! The girls faci then planned for our night walk like who to be what and plan the route. Lepas mahgrib, dinner, planned for presentation. So proud that my group, everyone were presenting even the girls!! Is a good improvement i must say! Si Kaulah tak abis abis dekat dengan saya. Hahaha! Then Lutfia told me i am pretty. I was like errr are you serious? I was wearing specs with no makeup and muka masam sehhhh!! But alhamdulilah, org dah puji kan.  Arif said he couldnt recognise me when i wear specs. He said i look like budak budak. Ishhh! Around 10.15pm, there was a short sharing session by Ustaz Nuzhan and Ustaz Zahid (both my favourite pair). Faci had short briefing with regards to the night walk. Last minute change of plan. We going to go out of the mosque for night walk. Last minute gila but yearp thats Q. Thts how he work🤣. I have no idea how to walk and all of us were contemplating to letak guise depan or belakang. But after discussion, agreed for guys to be depan and girls faci belakang. I swear badan sengal sengal gila seh. Bcause we took the wrong route!! Imagine dah naik tangga je dah penat, then salah route so kena turun tangga. Dah sampai T junction we didnt move, had to wait. Tunggu punya tunggu sekali kena patah balik. So naik tangga and turun balik. Nauzubillah seh! Nak pengsan je rase but alhamdulilah survived. Sampai masjid balik, muka dah cannot make it. Had a short debrief before dismissing the pax. Faci meeting and i tak tau. I gi naik atas and baring. Texted Zhaf and she said ada debrief dekat bawah. Hahahaha! So turun balik fr that. Hafiz belanja all of us mcDonald. Awhhh so sweeet seh! Alhamdulilah dah penat berjalan dapat makan double cheeseburger. May Allah bless him always. Walaupun selalu kacau dia, he is indeed a great friend and advisor. Layankan the guise forever merepek seh. Adzan keep saying Shaf you have to istikharah. HAHAHAHAH! Kena kacau rabak with them. And their talking nonsense sampai 2.30am seh. Dah abis makan terus the girls decided to naik and mandi. Bcause lagi lama dekat situ, mmg takkan abis ah. Hehe! Zhaf and i lari to get the toilet cubicle with shower head and ended up dia yang dpt! Kwang asam betul! We realised that both of us belum isyak... errr, so we did isyak and i really buat istikharah. HAHAHAHAHAH! Slept at back 3.30am. Qiyam ke mana entah! Sadar je dah nak subuh. Had to bangun bcause we slept at musollah area. Dhania dah mandi so we bangun to prepare for subuh. Lepas subuh ada tadarus again. Lepas tuh 1hr fr the pax to mandi and kemas all. Took this time to nap with Zhaf fr 20 mins. Bangun je rase fresh sikit (sikit je). Had our last breakfast and perut dah start rase lain mcm. Gi toilet while the rest were playing some games and personality test. Around 10plus, kemas kemas and prepare to go home. Zhaf wanted to send me home bcause we both stay sengkang but nope, Q asked me to send the girls back to wak tanjong. But that means i dont have to go for debrief. Tapi means i parting ways earlier. Hugged the girls and sempat ambik gambar dulu. Heheh! Bused straight to wak tanjong. Dah antar dorang back to their ustazah, me ans Hyrol walked to mrt paya lebar then we part ways. Took grab ah apa lagi. Balik je terus knocked out!! But S still have the energy to meet the fbc team to do some recce. Serious ah salute him. I was halfway dead seh. Tidur bangun ard 5-6pm gytu. Malam sambung tidur balik but ard 11plus bangun bcause S texted me. Finally he reached home!!! And masih ah dia boleh text text. Banyak energy dia, heheh! We both tertidur ard 3plus. Heheh!

Alhamdulilah for these experiences. Like seriously, this is my 5th camp and my 4th time being a faci. As much as i dislike jadi faci, i enjoy it pretty much. Like this love-hate r/s. Heeh! But just want to remind myself not to be faci fr this year fbc bcause jalan jauh gila seh. Heheh! Bye for now☺

Alhamdulilah. Today is the start of ramadhan. Alhamdulilah, dapat jumpa ramadhan lagi. Tapi this year, ada sikit kelainan. Mungkin Allah sedang menguji. Mungkin Allah mahu naikkan darjat kami. Atok dah takde... hati sebak bila terawih tadi. Teringat arwah atok. Every year without fail, he will fast even though dia sakit. He yang excited to fast and terawih. Kadang-kadang if my dad kerja, he will lead the prayers at home.. then he will be the one yang excited nak bangun sahur... tapi this year dah takde tu semua. Dia dah pergi ke tempat yang lebih baik. Allah lebih meyanyangi dia. Nenek pulak sedang sakit. Tapi beransur pulih cuma dia akan pekik setiap hari. Tak tau asal.. mcm mcm benda dan cara dah dibuat tapi tetap sama. Macam Ustazah Shameem ckp, kalau kita tak boleh ubah situasi, kita kena ubah diri kita to fit the situation. Is not easy. But Allah knows the best. I want him to grant me the patience and kindness....
Anyway tadi supposed to jumpa bestfs at Geylang but changed to Town sbb Khairiah bangun lambat. Met Eyka then accompanied her to Desa Kartika bcause she need to make some payment fr her wedding. Bridesmaid duty here. Met Khairiah and dinner at Pastamania. Ordered my tomyam seafood pasta (all time favourite). Planned fr Eyka's wedding. Alhamdulilah so far all jalan lancar cuma Eyka planning on where to tukar. & i was tasked to plan the itenerery and ensure everything as schedule. Wahhh part ni jerh saya yang kena. I asked why meee. Then they said bcuse i expert in this kinda thing. Haahahahah apa je! Nak kena beli tudung. The rest all goood!
Told Eyka about S. That me and him aldy together. Hahahaha member sound asal tak bilang. Well, supposed nak low profile. But seriously, i feel that the people around us that makes it so obvious. Eyka suggested for S to be one of the grooms men fr Dan. Hahahha!
Walked to Paragon and we tried to figure out how to walk to the linkage to Al Falah. Suggeted to Eyka to have their photoshoot at the bridge bcause its so naiccceeee!! Eyka went back bcause she cant solat while me and Khairiah go for our mahgrib, isyak and terawih. But coincidentally, S was there too. I seriously tak tau he will terawih there too sehh. Is it jodoh? Hahahaha! Alhamdulilah first terawih done. S wanted to balik together with me and Khairiah but i know my bestf. She will feel awkward so i was in dilemma for a while. Told S that he shouldnt send me home bcause he stays at Tampines and SK is not in the way but as usual he insisted. Why so sweeet ni. So ended up Khairiah naik uber balik and S send me home. Why do i always feel that time pass by so quickly whenever im with him? Like we walked from Lucky Plaza to Dhoby Ghaut mrt station but i feel sekejap je dah sampai seh. The journey back home selalu rase macam lambat gytu but tadi from Dhoby to SK rase cepat gila. He wanted to send me home sampai atas but i stopped him bcause time dah nak 11.30pm. Last bus 11.35pm takut 27 dah takde then he need to uber pulak. While waiting fr bus, he suap me air boost. Awhhhhh its really different side of him. Like all this while i have seen his gila gila bubal merepek side but this is like his sweet side. Ishhh geramnya mcm nak hug je but istighfar banyak banyak!! Kena lawan nafsu!! Home sweet home after that. Okay nak update pasal my 3D2N camp lepas ni😎

4th May... It was initially a good day for me. Met S at TP to "study". Well, plan to belajar but ended up tak belajar langsung. He was 25 mins late (as usual, he rarely early). Then went for his friends graduation at TP. Kwang asam seh he wore so smart and i wear jeans and pakai specs!! Total underdressed gila! Lepas tuh bila nampak kawan dia, sardine je dia gi talk to his friends and leave me alone there!!! Ishhhh nasib sayang dia tau. Ard 4plus, we makan there and talk, talk and talk. I have always feel that i can connect to him dari kita kawan. Heeh! Kesian, mak dia gi umrah so takde makan at home and he needs to do housechore. In fact, he likes to do it. Nasibbbb ah!! 🤣
He send me till Compass then he needed to go ITE CC. Bila dia nak balik, i gave him the destress kit box full of snacks and a sweet note. Alahhh why i so sweet seh!! Nak motivate him fr exam katakan. Heh! Nak balik rumah from compass jumpa Mok. Hati dah tak sedap. Bila sampai je rumah, my dad bilang atok dah takde. Seriously, my world shut off for a few seconds. Mcm tak percaya. I didnt cry but i heard Mok and my dad were already hugging and in tears. Once i stepped into his room and look at his mayat, immediately air mata ni curah. Cant stop crying.... i didnt manage to see him till hsi last breathe. Tadi tghari sebelum keluar, ada jumpa and talk to him. My mum bila asr, he aldy dah lain mcm. Bila mahgrib, my mum mandi and my dad solat, bibik tgh bacakan surah utk atok then she saw atok nya nafas mcm takde. She then quickly went to my dad and bilang. My dad told her sometimes is normal fr my atok nya nafas lambat but then... bila check dah takde. He meninggal masa dia tidur. Ya Allah tak tahan. But need to be strong, the relatives all came malam sampai 2pagi. Then angah family slept here. We all didnt sleep. Pagi je, siap siap and mandikan jenazah all. Gi kubur ard 10plus naik bus. Nangis non stop but have to redhakan pemergiannya. Balik je, alot of visitors coming back to back. My bestfs pun dtg siap beli milk tea lagi. So sweeet seriously! I appreciate the actions! (Well my love language is act of service) malam je lapar sbb takde makan so asked dad if can order domino. Hehe ordered my fav classified chicken and makan 4 keping. Nasib baik takde exam like my first paper is 9th may... Allah dah rancang ni semua dengan baik. Alhamdulilah..

Atok, i really missed you. You took care of me since baby. Bila you masih bawak taxi, i ikut dengan nenek ambik penumpang semua. You doted on me alot. Ape ape je mesti carik "Nurrul". Even bila tgh sakit, you will call me me or adik. I hope i have taken good care of you all these while like how you took care of me when i was little. Always remember you... ☹☹

Bismillah..

First paper in 5 days time. Nervousssssss sikit ni. Bcause first paper HRM. I hope i can at least get 60 for that paper and MSM. Going to start memorizing tomorrow.

Anyway smlm i go buffet with Mai and Khairiah. It was kinda last minute plan actually. Sebab actual plan smlm to antar baju for tailoring at Yishun but the tailor tak free. Then fikir punya fikir we just jumpa to makan je ah. Then i dont know who suggested seoul garden. HAHAHAHAAH! Since nak makan buffet, i just skip my breakfast and lunch and mum cook asam pedas but ikan sembilang. Planned to meet at 3pm bcause the student price is until 3.59pm but 3pm semua belum sampai. I reach 3.08pm and both the girls masih on the way. Padahal sengkang to Nex 4 station je. HAHAHAHAHAH DAH MASAK SGT DENGAN PERANGAI BESTFS SAYA🤣

Mai tried her luck by showing her poly card and wuhooo dpt lepas. So we ended up pay student price. We makan sampai kenyang fr like 3.5 hours. Catch up on each other and discuss abt current affairs issues pasal mak mertua. Lepas tuh perut mcm baru mengandung. Senak and mcm nak muntah. Tskkkkkkkk!!

Jalan jalan jap before going off to meet Mok at Hougang. Planned to give a surprised to S. Konon nak step sweet nak buat distress kit for him hence bought a few chocolates. Actually nak beli more but the kotak i have at home quite kecik. Went to nenek house to ambik dumplings bcause cik temah buat every year gytew. Then walked back home. Penat sehhhh!! After that belajar ah all the way.

So on saturday was the Dtk at Joyden Hall. Reached there around 4.10pm and terus packed the bags. Actually dah masukkan pamphlets last thursday but there was more. We did quite fast seh. Mcm factory production. Hahaha! Maybe thaf is what Taylorism is, one person in charge of one task. Heh! Then around 5.20pm was briefing. Wuhooo excited much. 6pm sharp registration open and i helped the registration. So funnnnn!! Met a lot of my friends sehhh!! But some couldnt tegur bcause i busy. Then ard 8pm dah tak ramai register because the talk dah start. Kinda sad tak dpt dgr Ustaz Zahil baca the opening. All of us dah lapar gila sbb belum makan dari tadi so bila tak ramai org, we all makan. Siti punya lapar sampai makan focus gila. Kekekek! Then she was asking me if i and S are together. I was like yeahhhhh. She terperanjat bcause she heard both of us saying aku kau. Lol seh!! Me and him really tried our best not to say aku kau like really. Our messages to each other is more of saya awak. But bila dah jumpa, aku kau jugak. HAHAHAHAHA SUSAH AH!! She said we looked cute together. Awhhhh! Alhamdulilah. Exchanged stories with her but we cant really talk bcause there were some last minute people that registered like one of my friend. Hahahah! So cute ah she sampai dah nak 8.30pm.
Lepas makan, took the chance to masuk the hall and listen to the forum. Wow it was really amazing like seriously. Wish i can hear it from the start. So enriching, full of knowledge yet ada laughter. Love it! Managed to record a few minutes je. Ard 9.45pm, we all standby dekat pintu and sekejap je the pax dah keluar from the hall. Kak Rau will forever disturb me and him. Hahahahah! Had our small debrief before kemas kemas. S was so so talkative sampai one of our friends asked me how i tahan with him. Hehehe and kebetulan, Ustaz ada ckp how to handle when your other half is very talkative. Hahahahahhaah! But seriously, thats one of the reasons why i love him. Full of positive energy and byk merepek jugak. Heheh! Homed with Aisyah bcause Siti and Fatin ride back. S went to myf dulu bcause nak angkat barang. Such an awsome experience. Tak menyesal agree to help even though next week is my first paper. Now, kena really focus on exam. Plan to start memorizing my HRM on wednesday. So i have monday to finish one more MSM exam paper and tuesday to do a bit of ebiz like print the essays and study the core concept of the topics i want to focus. Hence i have 6 days from wednesday to memorize for my first paper. Afterwhich, 3 days to memorize my second paper which is msm.

#letsdothis