So today, i had my relatives and dad friends that came to my rumah. My cousin told my dad he wanted to come at 10plus in the morning so i woke up at 8.30 to go pasar and rushed back. Kita tunggu punya tunggu hujan tak timbul timbul. Stresssssss tau tunggu org. So i decided to makan dulu. I ambik my laksa aldy dah dudul nak makan je org pun sampai. Hahahahhaa!

Then bila org tgh busy dtg, me and my mum tgu cuci cawan all, she random say, kau cepat cepat carik seseorang, bapak kau dah sakit sakit ni. I was like errrrr. It got me thinking and fikiran and fikiran. Somehow its true. Im going 26 this year ( back then i wanted to get married at 25) but is okay. Its been 7 months since my recent break up and im doing well. After the break up, i talk to a few guys. I guess im still not ready to commit jst yet or maybe i havent found the one that im looking for. Hahahha i dont knw but after dating and into relationship since secondary school, i have learnt alot of guys and i realised that i actually have a type of guy. Bcause dulu i thought i dont have any. Hence i made myself a perfect partner checklist. Not perfect literally but perfect for the imperfect me. I dated a lot of guys during sec school. Dulu fikir mcm hotstuff mana then poly, i decided to tone down abit bcause yknw sis dah matured sikit. I dated a few decent looking guys too. Come uni, i was still exploring myself and my feelings. Texted here and there with a few guys, some was okay. But after the recent break up, i realised that i need to have a checklist in a guy. Not jst main ambik sembrono je. I mean the basic checklist i have is agama and stable job but other than that, looks, personality and all, i dont have preference, kirakan go je. But skrg baru sis realised maybe sebab tuh things didnt work out.

So i really really want to becareful and choose wisely. Bcause first, dont want another ghosted/play with feelings not serious kinda thing. Second, parents okay. Third chemistry and lastly checklist. InsyaAllah, i trust that Allah will allow me to meet him when im ready or when the time is right. Bcause right now, i definitely am not in terms of stability, readiness and commitment. But insyaAllah insyaAllah one day, i will :)

Most of us have their story, of how they first fall in love. Some of us had the best first love story, while others, their first love is also their first heartbreak. My first love was not the awhh romantic kinda. It definitely wasnt a smooth one either. Yes, it happened way back while i was still in secondary school, sec 3 to begin with. Yes, it may seems like monkey love, teenage love and all, but it left a huge impact in my life and the scar remains up till now. The heartache remains. The unpleasant memories stays.

Honestly, that was the first time i fall in love. Like having the feeling of someone who cares so much about you, having someone whom you can rely on and making you feel so  appreciated and love. I mean it really feels good to love and be loved. Especially having someone whom you think can take care and love you and you were so depended on him. And they say, when you love someone, all you see in him is always his good side and everyone around you is the bad ones. When he cheated on you, you still see his good side. Even when he fooled you right in the face, you still cant see anything except his love. Or the times when you were lying on the floor helplessly, crying and begging him for help, he can just look at your face without feeling any guilt and then walked away, you still choose to close one eyes and believe that he loves you.

Back then, i was too naive. I just didnt want to lose him because i was afraid being out of live. I didnt want ti feel heartbroken. Basically, no him = no love. And so, for every bad things that he did, i blamed myself for causing it to happen. For every mistakes he done, i pretended not to know or i would just overlook it, just because i didnt want to lose him. Yea, sounds stupid but i did that. One fine day, i found out that he slept with my friend. Slept? Wrong choice of word, he actually had sex with my friend. Friend? I thought she was my friend but friend dont do that. I swear at that point, the pain was just too much for me. I didnt know what to do. I was scared to be replacable but i wanted to know the truth so i confronted him. He didnt deny. He said sorry, he cried, he said he wont do it again and that he loved me. So... i said sorry for making him cry and i gave him a chance. Jst because he told me he didnt do it on purpose. My heart was already too broken by then but i choose to stay and stick by him. Few days later, his friends was searching for me. They werent happy that i was still with him and decided to threaten me. I still remember, there were 4 of them who maki me and wanted to beat me up. I was crying non stop. I just couldnt fight back nor did i able to defend myself. And i saw him. He was there too, with his friends. I was waiting for him to defend and save me, from getting beaten up by his friends. I was already very weak as i just gotten a slap from one of them. Not an ounce of empathy was inside him. He look at me, saying sorry that he cant do anything about this and walked away heartlessly. Do you know how betrayed i felt? My heart just breaks even more as i saw him walked away. His friends continue to harrased me, saying all the vulgarities and took turn to push me. They forced me to break up with him and i finally agreed. I was traumatised by the incident and he went MIA for few days. Aferwhich, he texted me again sayig sorry that he left me. I felt numb and he told me, he started to develop feeling with that girl. I was devastated, very! I asked him to choose between the two of us and i thought he would choose me. I scacrificed a lot for him but sadly, he didnt choose me. I was feeling very very upset. Every night i question my self worth. Was i not good enough for him? What did she have that i dont? What am i lacking? Till now, i didnt know what went wrong or why he choose her. I was left, thinking that im never good enough. I was being treated like a trash. I was beaten up just so i could be together with him. I got kicked and punched because i couldnt defend myself.

How do i heal from all the painful episodes that keeps lingering in my mind? Ten years down the road and i still cant forget all these as if it just happened yesterday. I just hope, that no one, i really mean no one will ever have to go through this...