I’m sorry if my overthinking makes me difficult to love. I’m not trying to cause drama where none exists. I’m only trying to protect my heart.

I don’t want to be the person who gets blindsided when their partner cheats. I don’t want to overlook the red flags. I don’t want to be caught off guard. I would rather see the betrayal coming. I would rather know what is waiting for me down the road. Since I’m so worried about the what ifs, I pay too much attention to detail. I will notice the slight change in your tone and instead of assuming that you must be tired or had a stressful day at work, I will assume that you are mad at me. 

This is how i exactly feel all this while. I’m always ready for things to go wrong. I’m always on edge, observing the people around me to prepare for what happens next. Even if a relationship is going perfectly well, I will make a list in my head of all the ways it could fall apart. I could get ghosted. I could get cheated on. I could get dumped. I could have my heart shattered and spend years trying to jam the broken pieces back into place. I’ve been trying to follow my head instead of my heart because I have been hurt before and I’m scared it’s going to happen again. I’m scared you are going to leave. I’m scared you are going to break me apart like all the others who came before you.

People wonder, people ask, why? How come? I mean, to think back, i had rejected a lot of guys, i had asked for a breakup first a few times but why do i feel as if im hopeless? Why do i have that high level of insecurities and trust issues? 

Its because when i really really love someone, i would do anything for them, i mean everyone will do anything for the ones that they love. And the first time i loved someone is at the age of 14. Yeah, its secondary school love or monkey love or immature love but thats when i really fell in love and it was strong. At that age, im still figuring out how to show someone the love even though i felt it. After 1 year, he cheated on me. Yes, he slept with my 'friend' behind me and i swear i wasnt aware of it. Maybe i was too in love that i was oblivious to small details and changes. It was his friends (which is also my friend) that called and told me. I was devastated and hurt. But what hurt me the most is that when i confronted him, he asked me not to trust them and that he didnt do anything. 2 weeks later, he confessed to me that he was in love with that same girl and that at the same time, he loves me. What??? I asked him to choose, between me and her because i dont want to be an option. Guess? Yearp, he choose her and admitted that they slept. Wow, i just cannot accept it. Even though now, im thankful that i m not with him, but he took away the trust from me. The first time i felt love yet he cheated on me with my friend. I went through a lot when i was with him, got beaten, being chased and many more but in the end, i got betrayed. After that episode, my love life was haywire. In wanting to mend this heart, i met a lot of guys along the way. So, i told myself, there is no harm in kenal kenaling with a few guys at one time because i wanted to protect my heart and interest instead of getting cheated again. My self esteem was low because of that incident and i felt i wasnt pretty enough so i used to like it when random guy outside, came to me to ask for my number. Ahahah yearp. Alot of times, when i was with my friends sitting or walking around, random guy will come to me and ask my name or number and as annoying as it sounds, i used to like it. It gives me the confident and assurance that i needed. There was a few times, i was in my school uniform studying and a random guy approached and gave me a letter. But, all i dont give them my numbers or layan them. I just like that feeling. Then, i created tagged (dont judge pls) so i can feel wanted. Honestly, i have met those guys in tagged outside but i go with my friends. My besfriends jadi mangsa because i would drag them to go with me. But all i didnt really have any feelings for, its just for fun. Like cheap thrills gytu. Until one day i met arwah Khairil. Yes, as cliche as it sounds, we met at Tagged and we talked and met after few months because he really likes me and wanted to help me with my O level. At first, i was like mehhh but seeing that he really put in effort and all, i started to have feelings for him. We went out for date, study together and spend time together but me being me. I was hesitant and i dont really trust him. Told him we can only be together after my Os and he said okai, he understand. I spent my days studying for O level and spent little time with him. And suddenly, he said he cant wait any longer. So he left me and i got to know he already dating someone. I was really really sad. He was a gem, and i really have feelings for me. Few years after, he passed on and whats left is just memories between us in my heart.

I moved on and continue to kenal kenal with other guys. Along the way, i made friends with a range of guys from yang paling baik to yang paling rabak but all was for fun. I talk to them days and nights, sometimes 5 guys at one go and when they started to confess, i would slowly reject them even though i dont like to reject people and its hard for me to do so, but i still did. I dont think i did this to revenge guys but its more of getting assurance and i was hoping by doing this, i can heal and mend this heart nyself. But after few years, i got tired and tired. & i realised i got tired of my own game and along the way, my heart doesnt seem to heal from those hurtful episode.. It was still as fragile as before, my trust issues got higher and my insecurities still there. 

So, in 2014, when i donned the hijab, i changed. I stopped doing all that because it doesnt work and i dont want to hurt anyone else. Few months after that, i got to know this guy, Amad and he was very nice to me. Our first meetup, he was very direct and honest person and i felt i didnt talk much. I wasnt myself hence i thought maybe after that, he would leave me. But nope, we continue on second date. I was all positive with him until few weeks after that, he started to MIA. Few days didnt text then few days later baru text. Came up with lotsa of excuses but still i didnt detect anything. I husnuzon and think he was busy working (he works kapal so super busy and no connection) until one day, i found he was talking with this someone at fb!!! He keep tagging this gurl and i stalked her. Well nothing much so i thought they are just secondary schools friends. I gave him the cold shoulder but he and his sweet words, i didnt fall for it and true enough, the following day, he say he already have someone else. I said why? He told me i was too good for him. Hmmm, too good? I dont know how to feel but one thing for sure, i regretted having feeling for him. He dont deserve me but i gave him my heart. Stupid enough? Yes, i guess. Few months later, this masjid guy was helping my mosque for camp and he happened to be under me. I texted him about the camp and he suddenly talked abt Spain and he somehow continued to text me. I layan but as a friend, because he is helping me. During the camp, he was super shy to see me. When only the both of us in the lift, he always look down and didnt event talk to me. I was like huh why? So, after camp, he said, he likes me. I was like what? Huh? Why? So, guys being guys, they would come out with 1000 sweet words. I firmly told him, i was still healing and that i dont have feeling for him. He say nevermind, slowly? And he was super good i swear. He always remind me to do all the sunnah, he was the first to tegur me to wear socks and handsocks, when keluar, he always walked jauh from me and his voice when reading the quran or jadi imam is masyaAllah. I fall for it although i dont quite trust him and he said he wanted to marry me. I fall for it. I thought it was real so i dated him. We text each other everyday and i would always on the phone to accompany him while he was on the way back from work.  Somehow, i just wanted to test him, dont know why. I asked random pretty girl to flirt with him, she did. The outcome was dissappointing. He told that girl, he is not seeing anyone. All the bull started to come out. Again, me being me, i cried like a river and i didnt have the guts to confront him. After that, i decided to istikharah during Ramadhan and soon after that, Allah answers my prayer. He didnt reply my text for 1 week. He just went MIA just like that. I cannot, i just cannot. How timely Allah answer my dua. At this point, i really give up. I dont trust any of the guys till now. Even with Syazwan, i have my doubts. I dont trust him fully. I have my days that i feel he is doing something behind my back. 

When the world brings me too much happiness at once, I get suspicious. I assume something horrible is about to happen to balance out my emotions.

When I’m in the shower or driving in my car, I will have arguments with you inside of my head. I will imagine all of the things you might say to me when we talk for real. I might accidentally get mad at you, even though you haven’t done anything wrong yet. I might make myself more paranoid than I have any right to be.

Its not Syazwan fault. I really pitty him and i dont wish to make it hard for him. Im his first and i dont want him to be struggling or have a bad experience for his first love. They say, time will heal. Maybe it will ~